How To Feel More Comfortable With Your Sexuality (and Embrace it)

Pleasure Practices a Daily Thing

If you’re not prioritizing your pleasure regularly, you’re likely missing out. Pleasure is about so much more than sex but participating in, and even noticing the things that bring you pleasure in life, can help you be more present during the sexy times. An easy way to engage in pleasure is to write a list of things you enjoy and commit to at least one or two a day. For example, as I write this, I am pausing to watch the sunset because the colors bring me joy.  Your pleasure might come in the form of food, music, drawing, or orgasms - whatever it is, take the time to enjoy something, every single day (you deserve it!)

Become More Familiar with Your Body

Sex (alone or with others) can be a beautifully embodied experience but that becomes a challenge when we’re feeling disconnected from ourselves. If this is you, try one of the following (both activities encourage nudity which can help us become more comfortable in our skin):

Mirror work

Stand or sit in front of a mirror naked (to the level you’re comfortable) and really take in your body. Learn where the marks and scars are. Feel the bumps and the ridges. Watch your chest and belly move as you breathe. Touch different areas and see how those spots feel or even react. Does the skin on your nipple feel the same as your belly or elbow? 

If your inner voice starts to criticize you, match every insult with an appreciation statement. Perhaps your brain says, ‘ugh, I have a lot of cellulite today’. You can intentionally respond with something like, ‘I am grateful for the way my fingers move across a piano and make beautiful music.’ 

Self (or Partner) Touch

Gather some materials you have around your place. This might include things like scarves and ties, forks and spoons, beaded jewelry, pieces of dark chocolate, etc. Be creative. Then settle somewhere, with these things nearby, undress, put on some soothing music, and lay down. If with someone, they can take over this process but otherwise, ground yourself (breathe, relax, listen to the sounds around you, etc.) and sink into the present. 

Slowly, start brushing your fingers over your body. Try touching erogenous and non-erogenous zones alike. Use different pressures. Then, try out your props! See how a cold spoon feels against your skin, run the beads over your genitals, brush the materials you have across your thighs, lightly scratch yourself with the end of a fork, take a slow and intentional bite of the chocolate to savor the flavor. Basically, experiment with different sensations to see what feels pleasurable. 

Explore without Pressure

Sometimes we build up ideas in our head of how things are supposed to happen. There is no one right way to have sex and really, it’s a lot of trial and error. Check out the following for suggestions on how to release some of the pressure.

Yes/No/Maybe/Fantasy Sheets

If you’re not sure what you might enjoy or are feeling bored with the things you are currently doing, looking up Yes/No/Maybe Fantasy sheets can be a great source of inspiration. They are lists of activities you can try and you get to rate them as ‘yes’, you like or want to try, ‘maybe’ (which means you can take your time deciding and testing the waters), ‘no’ for the things you know aren’t for you, and ‘fantasy’ for things you’d like the sound of and can be sexy inspiration but you don’t actually want to experience. Use these lists to create a personal catalogue of what you might enjoy. You can even write what you like on slips of paper and pick randomly (with consent) when with someone to release pressure of figuring things out in the moment.

Orgasm isn’t Required

While orgasming is often fun, the pressure to have one is not. Give yourself permission to explore new things (perhaps from the Y/N/M/F sheets!) without expecting to always orgasm. Try new masturbation techniques, test out a sex toy, read or watch erotica, or try out some fantasies. Along the way, you’ll start to figure out what you do and do not enjoy - there’s no rush.

Release Labels  

If you’re struggling to figure out your identities, it can feel confusing to figure out what to do and with who. Labels can be great in that they can help us find a community of people like us and normalize experiences. However, sometimes the pressure to figure them out, or to conform to them can be crushing. Let your desires and interests lead the way. Maybe you’re trying to figure out your sexual orientation and you think you’re attracted to a same gender person. You can let them know that and move forward from there. Or maybe you like to submit during sex but also want to try spanking someone, do both (these aren’t mutually exclusive!). You don’t need to have all of the answers in order to try new things and trying something out to see how it fits doesn’t require that you take on new identities. 

Have Fun with It

I used to think that being sexy had a specific look and definition but there are lots of ways to express your sexuality! Your way might be through dance, masturbation, fashion choices, selfies, even the way you read. There isn’t a rule book. The key is to enjoy what you are doing, whether it feels sensual, sexy, or silly. If you’re happy (and not harming others), you are doing sexuality the right way.