What is Polyamory?

Polyam Explained

Polyamory translates to many loves and is one of the many diverse relationship structures that fall under ethical non-monogamy. At its core, polyamorous relationships are based in the belief that love and intimacy are not limited resources and, therefore, it does not make sense to limit romantic relationships. This can take a variety of forms involving multiple one-on-one relationships as well as group dynamics. Keep reading for some myth busting, types of polyamory, and tips!

Myths

It’s the same as cheating

Cheating, by definition, is an act of dishonesty. It’s about breaking the boundaries one has set up in a relationship. Polyamory on the other hand is based on consent and awareness. It requires that everyone participating be aware of the relationship structures so they can fully consent to being involved. If folks are kept out of the loop, or other boundaries are broken, it wouldn’t fall under polyamory because it would be cheating. 

It’s just a fear of commitment

When working with clients, I often ask them to define words because we take for granted that our definitions are accurate or universally accepted. According to Merriam-Webster, commitment is “an agreement or pledge to do something in the future,” and yet, many people confuse it with monogamy. There are lots of couples who are monogamously dating but haven’t committed to a future together and lots of polyamorous people who have committed (and others who have not) to be with one or more people in the future. The act of being open to more than one relationship does not have to influence one’s ability to commit to some or all of those relationships.

It’s all about sex and orgies

This is probably my favorite to discuss because even if someone does engage in polyamory solely to have lots of sex, as long as its consensual, where’s the issue? This myth seems centered in policing consensual forms of sexual expression while also being inaccurate for many. While sex can definitely be a motivating factor for some, there are polyam relationships that never involve group sex and others that never involve sex at all. There are asexual people in polyam relationships who are having multiple satisfying romantic connections, without involving sex. 

You must be in multiple relationships at all times

You can be a polyamorous person and experience times when you are completely single or with only one person. For some, polyamory is about the opportunity to be open to romantic and sexual possibilities as they arise and not about actively seeking out multiple partners or lovers. 

Types of polyamory

Parallel polyamory (vs. Kitchentable)

To help explain this, let’s use some terms that are popular in some polyam spaces: paramour, metamour, and polycule. Everyone you are dating is considered a paramour and everyone your paramours date are your metamours. The system or network of people involved in these relationships make up a polycule. 

Within parallel polyamory, metamours are unlikely to know one another, or know one another well (like parallel lines which never meet). Everyone would be aware of the structures or non-structures at play but wouldn’t necessarily meet and get to know each other. Kitchen table polyamory generally refers to dynamics in which people know one another well enough to form bonds and could share a meal (aka, sit at a kitchen table together). 

Triads & Quads

Triads, or throuples, involve three people. This can look like three people dating one another or one person dating two other people. Quads are similar to triads but with four people. Any number of combinations are possible here including all four dating one another, or two couples coming together where one person from each couple dates another. 

In both triads and quads there is the possibility for polyfidelity, basically, only dating people within the group. 

Hierarchical Polyamory

Hierarchical polyamory is generally defined by having partners within a hierarchical structure, or at different priority levels. Within this style of polyamory, one may have a spouse, a regular partner, as well as casual lovers. This is often referred to as primary, secondary, and potentially tertiary partners. One can be committed to multiple partners within this style but are more likely to cohabitate and/or have children with a primary.

Solo Polyamory & Relationship Anarchy

Solo polyamorists are people who may have multiple loving and connected relationships while prioritizing themselves as the most important relationship. These folks are likely to live alone and not “nest,” that is, build a home with life-long partners. Relationship anarchy, which exists outside of polyamory as it relates to all relationships, rejects labels, limits, and rules altogether. 

The Critical Polyamorist, AKA Kim TallBear, an Indigenous scholar, talks about solo polyamory and relationship anarchy as possible divergences from “settler sexuality,” -- structures of sexuality and partnering based on values from colonization if you are interested in exploring a critical analysis. 

Tips for Avoiding Relationship Issues

Boundary Setting

There is no one way to define polyamorous boundaries or expectations. For some people, their structures mimic monogamy in having many specific rules or limits around who partners can date, the types of relationships they can engage in, and types of activities. On the flipside, polyamory can look like sharing needs within each relationship, triggers, and communication techniques without creating boundaries or limits around how partners engage with others. The commonality in various forms of polyamory is the expectation that relationships are based in communication and consent. If considering polyamory, or non-monogamy, you can find my free pdf that covers topics you might want to discuss on my freebies page. 

Communicate your needs

Another common myth is that polyamorous people do not experience jealously. In reality, polyamorous people are more likely to discuss what triggers jealously and reflect on what they need to feel secure in their relationshps and communicate this to their partners. Polyamorous relationships are unlikely to be successful without willing to be vulnerable and communicative regularly. 

Manage Expectations

Polyamory often requires a significant level of care and consideration. There can be a lot of scheduling, feelings processing, and check-ins needed to maintain multiple healthy relationships. When new partners arrive, it can be difficult to not get lost in ‘new partner energy,’ which is excitement around a new partner, and can leave paramours feeling undervalued. It can also be easy to feel exhausted, or overly scheduled, as well as to feel lonely if/when all of your partners are busy with other engagements or people. For a hilariously wonderful description of polyamory, check out Dia Davina’s The Polyamorous Mating Habits of the North American Red Squirrel.

Polyamory isn’t for everyone, and like serial monogamy, there are challenges. It’s important to choose a romantic and sexual partnering style that works for you. Have more questions? Let me know in the comments!

Originally published on The Buzz by Pure Romance