5 Tips for Increasing Comprehension (instead of conflict or empty communication)
I’ve been meaning to post about this on Insta for a while but I felt like I couldn’t without some explanation and I’m kinda over long captions so here is my attempt at a very brief substack post to accompany a briefer insta carousel.
Conflicts happen. Difficult conversations are needed. Not everything can be rainbows and unicorns all the time. But when difficult conversations become an angry and pointless wrestling match against a loved one, no one is winning. The following are 5 tips for having difficult conversations in constructive ways:
1. Get clear on your goals for the conversation
If you feel yourself coming in hot, it might be worth it to take a step back and ask yourself, what are my goals for this conversation? Am I here because I want to win? prove someone else wrong? hurt the other person? Or, am I here for something more productive, such as:
expressing a limit or boundary that will support future interactions
seeking a solution together (us against the problem)
expressing needs and feelings, especially unmet needs and hurt feelings
a safe space to share what’s on my mind
What might be a goal for you?
Inviting the other person into goal identifying can help support keeping those goals in mind during the conversation.
2. Set conversation parameters
My little sister and cousin seem to love to insult one another as one of their shared loved languages. I tend to curse when I speak, whether in English or Spanish. I also interrupt & share stories that I feel relate to what’s being discussed. If some of these examples get you feeling frustrated, cool. That means you’ve found examples of what you might not want present during a conversation, let alone a challenging one.
You can ask the people in your life the following questions
How do we want to talk to each other? Is there language, intonations, volumes, etc. that we would like to limit? What do we not want to see as part of our discussion?
Are we seeking to fix something, be heard, or a combination?
If the vibe veers from where we want it to be, what can be a safe word/action for requesting a break, a breather, or a time to recenter so we can recommit to our intentions?
How do we know when a conversation is over? Can we let it rest for a bit and pick it up again at an agreed-upon time?
Being clear about your conversation parameters will help avoid feeling disrespected or overwhelmed.
3. Repeat back what you hear
Especially when we are feeling heated - whether our needs are not being met or we are feeling defensive, betrayed, or otherwise in an unbalanced emotional state, it can be easy to mishear what others are saying.
Before reacting to what you THINK someone has said, summarize what you heard and check with the other person as to whether your summary was accurate. Similarly, you can let someone else know that you aren’t sure if you’re on the same page and ask them to repeat what you’ve said.
This will slow down the conversation and give everyone an opportunity to improve comprehension.
4. Asking questions is > than making assumptions
Another way to slow the conversation is to get deeper into the conversation. Rather than assuming that you understand why someone said something or has a particular belief, ask. You might learn something that you didn’t expect. No matter how long we’ve known a person, we can still be surprised.
5. Identify aftercare
How will you close a difficult conversation?
What can be done to bring comfort to the members involved?
You might choose individual acts of aftercare and shared acts and choose based upon the feelings of those involved after a difficult conversation has ended. For example, cuddling is a regular aftercare activity for me and Alfredo but if I’m not ready to cuddle, it might be holding hands, watching memes, or some solo time to process.
Let me know what other tips you use to support comprehension within your interactions. Remember, listening does not equal hearing and hearing does not equal understanding.
If you’d like support in practicing these skills, book a session with me!
