Ask for what you want
Yesterday, Alfredo & I were snuggling while I semi-napped. At some point I turn my face towards him to say I love you and he says it back. I smile. He then tells me we have 3 minutes left (we had agreed to a 10-minute nap/cuddle) so I cuddle my face back into his chest to enjoy my last three minutes. I think what a great moment for a kiss on the forehead. He's scrolling on his phone so I don't think it will cross his mind so I say "besito de frente." He gives me not just one but several. It was perfect.
I could have felt frustrated or sad that he didn’t predict my desire for a forehead kiss but that would have been a waste of energy. There is nothing that frustration against a lack of mindreading would have solved. Safe & loving communication, however, made the moment blissful.
There are all sorts of ways that Alfredo predicts my needs and cares for me but perhaps the best form of care is knowing that I can ask for what I want and he will give what he has the capacity to give.
As a recovering people pleaser, I struggle with taking up space and having my needs met. I fear rejection or ridicule. But with him, I feel safe to say what I want. If he is unable to fulfill my request, he’ll say so and he’ll say it without making me feel small for wanting something he can’t give. Sounds simple but for me, and I imagine for others, too, it’s more than I could have ever imagined.
There are of course times where I still pause and hold back but for the most part, time and practice has made feeling safe with naming my needs second nature.
Maybe you’re wondering what this looks like in client work. Whether with individuals, couples, or small groups, we might work on tools for:
interrupting our own self-sacrificing behavior through
identifying boundaries
naming capacity
identifying what needs are going unmet (due to fear of rejection, people pleasing, etc.)
recognizing what it feels like in the body when we people please vs when we share what’s truly on our minds vs when we are clear about our boundaries
understanding the role consent plays when one or more people aren’t being being honest about their needs and/or capacities
understanding how identity, socialization, and lived experiences have led us to our current tools and how to thank them for their service and try new ones
identifying safe people to begin practicing with
non-violent communication techniques to create safer communication across the board
incorporating asking for what you want in the bedroom
increasing our capacity to hear no/be rejected
